Dear Germany: Your Bureaucracy is crippling.

This is a new one. 

Where to start? 

Trying to get online at school. That seems simple enough. I've been lugging around my macbook in the vain hope of being able to surf the net during class, so inquired on Monday of how I was to do this. Ohhhh dear, this isn't possible until your registration is complete. 

Yeah right. Me being me, thinking I am above the rules or at least proficient in their circumvention, I try at the library - sorry, "Komputerpool"- yesterday.  You know, just to try and get wireless access or at the very least, access to a computer.  Most fervently: not a chance. 

Alright, fine. I will wait until my registration is complete. Can I at least check my gdamn email? Um, no. 

Is there a temporary user name and password I can use, just to send a quick note to the international office? No. 

Ok, fine. Can I quickly borrow YOUR computer to access the Internet for 3 minutes? Well, umm, well, ok, I guess.  Now, setting up my wireless account is an entirely different story. Try and follow along.

1)  In order to get a wireless account, you need to be a registered "matriculated" student. Ok, great. Let's register.  This process, by the way, I initiated on Monday.

 a.  In order to register, you need to pay your fee (great! no problem). To do this, you need to go to this weird little corner where the Kasse is located, wait in a 25 minute line up for the ONE man behind the glass to take your form and cash and give you a till receipt (not even kidding, like a 1915 till receipt) sign it and stamp it, and this is your proof of payment. Wow, a till receipt. Ok, fine. March the 10 minutes and 4 flights of stairs BACK to the registration lady, and oh what a surprise, another 30 minute line up. Right. I can miss the first 10 minutes of Intro to Jewish law and wait.

b.  The second requirement is to show proof of Berlin residency. Lovely.  I can show this no problem.  In order to do this, you need to a) print off the form.  This seems very easy, but with no printer at home and not being able to access the f---ing COMPUTER LAB, how am I supposed to print anything?  I cross the hall to see my girl Dr. S in the international office, and she'll print it out for me. Oh, but wait, I DON'T SPEAK GERMAN. Hmmm, alright, Dr. S can help me fill it in. Check. 

 i) So back to the form. It needs to be signed by the landlord. Problem: I am kind of illegally subletting - or well, I am an unauthorized sublettor - of a room in a flat. But everyone in Berlin is an unauthorized sublettor of a room in a flat.  Why is everyone an unauthorized sublettor of a room in a flat? Hmmm perhaps because it takes 100 years and a signed note from Kaiser Wilhelm I to get your name on the fucking lease. Anyways. So I leave the form out with a note and some chocolate for my flatmate, who I would have liked to talk to in person, only she leaves the house by 7:30 am and hasn't been back before 11 pm, which is the latest I've stayed up so far.  Finally this morning I get her note, which basically says she won't fill in the landlord's info (I was advised to just forge the signature of the landlord, in any case) until we talk to the girl whose name is on the actual lease and whose room I am subletting... only she is travelling in Syria and who knows when she will access her email next. Ok. We'll leave this for now.

ii)  So I come to the computer lab and lo and behold, I can now access the computers. Praise the Lord. I email my contact in the international office with my problem re: landlord and unauthorized lease, and she advises me to just fill in the name and forge the signature of the girl whose room I'm subletting. Alright.  Now to take the 2 U-Bahn's and wait in what is likely to be a 3 hour line, just to be told I am missing some piece of tissue paper that I was to have received in my acceptance package from Humboldt 4 months ago last Wednesday.  If I am successful, I will be given a PIECE OF PAPER saying I've adequately proved my proof of residency, within 2-3 weeks of course. With this, I can then go to the registration lady and provide her with this one requirement of many. Wow.

c) The next thing you need to register is proof of medical coverage. Alright, this I know I have.  See? RBC medical coverage, plan number, premium amount; I even have the policy coverage outlined and a great wallet-sized card that's nicely perforated at the bottom of my letter. Rad. 

Actually, not rad.

i) In Germany, foreign private health coverage isn't sufficient. You need to register with one of the German Health Insurance offices.  To do this, you need to go to one of 10 scattered around the city all with varying hours (and not opening and closing a few minutes different depending on the day... like Monday they open at 7 am, Tuesday 12, Wednesday 9, etc.),  take your private foreign insurance, wait in a line up, and get another form filled out which apparently says I waive my right to access the German coverage should I get sick, and elect to use my private one instead. Then they give me a form which I bring back to Humböldt and submit with my registration. Seems easy enough.

 Ok, so after all this is done, among a myriad of forms I actually had that were complete and satisfactory, I will be registered.  Excellent. So can I do all this and come back Thursday or Friday and submit my forms? Heavens, no. We are only open Tuesday and Thursday between 10-1, and then it is further divided by last name. W-O-W.  Perfect! So just to GET ONLINE I will need to wait until Tuesday. Okay, this isn't insurmountable. 

So I finally get a temporary student ID, which they would normally never give out until all forms have been submitted, but the registration lady takes pity on me. This, as you may have guessed, is a white piece of cardboard with some shit written in pen and a stamp on it. Really legit. 

 So alright, after I get my forms in (hopefully by Tuesday) can I finally receive a permanent student ID - get this, not card but PAPER - so I can get a wireless account? Dear me, no. That will take another week or two to process.

Now to register in Law classes.  If I still have your attention, indulge me as I recount this process.

In Germany, you check in with a man who I assume is similar to the dean of international students, and he provides you with a class list and schedule. Alright so I go and meet him on Monday morning, but he doesn't speak any English.  But of course he doesn't!  Thankfully his little hipster minion does. Ok, Andreas, gimmie the goods. Here in Germany, you broadly register, then you sit in on all the classes you think you might like to take, and then email the guy before May 9 and tell him what classes you would like to be in. I assume he then registers you in them. 

Then, you get a chart... yes, like a word perfect chart... and you fill in the details of the classes you chose.  Like in pencil or pen or crayon or whatever.  But be careful not to lose this random, loose piece of paper, as it is your official academic record. Huh? A chart? Get this: at the end of the semester, after you write your final, you hunt down your profs and get them to SIGN IN THE BOX saying you took the class, and they fill in your grade.

Um, seriously?

Actually?  A fucking chart, with a signature and grade on it? Really?  I am then to take said chart to Mr. P who enters it into what I can only assume is some sort of database or something and he prints me off a transcript. Whoa.

It's actually exhausting just recounting these details so I'm going to call it a day.  But just as the anecdotal icing on the cake, this morning it took me another 4 hours just to register in a German language course. Of course there was a line, of course I got lost in the labyrinth of hallways and buildings and streets and was late to wait in line. And of course it's super intensive at 10 hrs/week for the entire semester, and of course it conflicts with the one fucking class I was looking forward to taking. Oh, and to pay the fee, you NEED A GERMAN BANK ACCOUNT so you can wire, yes, WIRE, the funds to the Sprachenzentrum to complete your registration.  This is their chosen method of payment. 

I now understand why you can buy beer and cigarettes on the subway platforms.   One needs to absolutely numb their senses in order to try and do the simplest of tasks.  Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday and I can hit the floor at Watergate until 7 am to further numb my mind with the comforting sounds of heavy minimal German techno.