And another thing...

Exhibit A: me and jezuit in the summer. Tanned and beautiful (especiall J-Dogg). Here, we resemble the images conjured by my fave of the homosexual sonnets:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date. Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, And often is his gold complexion dimm'd; And every fair from fair sometime declines, By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd; But thy eternal summer shall not fade Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st; Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade, When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st: So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

See? SEE? Eat dirt, S.A.D.!

XMAS is SAD

And by SAD I mean Season Affective Disorder, meaning I'm depressed 'cause I can't get no melatonin. It's hilarious that we think we can exist in this barren, frozen wasteland we call home. Shit doesen't grow, shit can't stay warm, shit doesen't start and shit don't get no exercise when it's -35! Like, WTF?? No wonder spray tans are so hot right now. Not only do you look like pale garbage in the winter, but your brain can't function and your body reacts by craving sweets and carbs. Well, just in time for "Christmas" I suppose.

Virile manliness Santa

Oh yeah. And the carol "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause" also really kills me.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep Down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus Underneath his beard so snowy white;
Oh, what a laugh it would have been If Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.

I mean, really. The sexualisation of SANTA?! fuck. I'm not even going to bother posting further on the subject. Oh, and this photo is from the official White House Christmas decorations page. Weird.

Santa Sucks II

And one more thing: aren't we forgetting the reason for the season (did some 2nd rate politician named Stockwell Day coin that, or is it just something retarded he's likely say?)

Ok let's break it down:

1) Santa performs the Miracle of getting around the world in a night and giving presents to all the kiddies asleep in their beds.
Right. As far as I knew, it was JC that was rockin miracles back when Lazarus was on round 2 and the Jews were in desperate need of some Vino. This predates Santa by like, 1500 years and shows he was the original miracle man.

2) Santa is the moral benchmark of giving and selfless good will, so he brings all the presents.
OK, maybe JC wasn't big on presents (perhaps a whole body doesn't count as a present per se), but I always thought the reason people give stuff at Christmas was because those three dudes brought the little JC frankincense and Mhur, not because Santa employs slave labour to win the favour of simple little minds. Now am I right or am I right?

3) Santa has a rich history in St.Nick and promtes the north pole and Scandinavia
Well I like Jolly ol St.Nik. He's a rad dude. It's SANTA that I'm angry about. Red suited guy with reindeer and the fairy dust. You can't go check out his ice pad in the north pole. You just can't. At least there's a concensus that JC actually lived and you can go see where he walked around and touched stuff and sailed and ate and died. You just can't do that with Santa. And what about promotion of the middle East and the Jews? Just cause they're not nordics doesen't mean they shant be represented... (boo!)

Now I'm no Bible thumper. For serious. See love of nihilism, existentialism advanced misanthropic tendencies and Nietzsche for proof. But if you look at the facts, examine the historical evidence, and have some measure of heightened sensibilities, you'll come to the same conclusion as I have: when it comes to Christmas, if I'm going to have to pick some bearded guy I've never seen and no one else has ever seen to symbolize the season and ultimately buy into, it's gonna have to be the story of JC. It just is. I mean the red suit and the magic reindeer and the electric nose and the elves and Mrs. Klause and the letters and presents and commercialism and and the whole bit is just so over the top; so fisher price plastic America. Where's the humility? Where's the minimalist? Where's the "I'm cool because I'm cool so fuck you" in Santa?

I'm sure my mom will have a stern warning for me about this illustration.

Santa Sucks (but he's just SOO cute!)

I have been thinking a lot about Santa lately, and this is what I've realized:
- Santa is the opposite of 'The Christmas Spirit'
- Telling your kids Santa is real is the worst disservice you can do them
- Santa is a player *
*a discussion on this as portrayed by many carols depicting his virile manliness will be discussed further

It is just me, or is telling children that Santa exists a lie? A blatant, boldfaced deceit that parents, teachers, law enforcers, Canada Post and CNN all incubate with their insufferable (and costly) antics?

I find myself getting into arguments lately, of varying intensity, with EVERYONE about whether or not I had a cold, heartless childhood because I never "believed". Bitch, please. Free postage to a dude that lives in the North Pole and has a postal code like HOH OHO ??? And who's gonna give me stacks of presents made by slave elves, a list of which this letter will contain? I'm supposed to buy that junk in grade one and perpetuate it now, as an adult? Again: bitch, please.

So as someone with familial access to kids, I'm supposed to pay $4.95 to get them to call Santa in his sleigh, on the Sleigh Phone, up to four times on Christmas eve? You gotta check this shit out: http://www.claus.com/sleighphone/stream.html
And have Santy Clause tell them (because I'm displacing my fiduciary duty onto some machine) to 'get to bed in time so he can leave my present, and to make sure I don't peek or try to catch him?' W-O-W.

This illustrates what I have been sensing in society as plain ol' hypocrisy. The same hypocrisy politicians and the media have been hegemonicly employing for years, but now has been re-branded and reborn with a new image, sure to please the minivan majority. It looks like this:
I can't say hello to a little girl because her parents will no doubt think I'm a sexually deviant predator whose motives are completely rooted in evil, yet they buy this little girl toys and books and games which subliminally affirm and reaffirm her role as sexual object from before she can even speak. Allow this to manifest in the 'flirty girl' and 'Bratz' look-a-like outfits which don young girls at alarmingly younger ages, and dress her up in cute little knee socks and mini skirts and skank tanks before she is out of her diaper. Then freak out on me because I say hello to your slutty kid, when you're the one that's perpetuating the exact images which are vial and evil and put children at harm. Hmmm....

Lie to your kid about Santa coming to bring him presents, use Santa as a means of controlling your kid's adhd year round vis-a-vis empty threats to the effect of "Santa doesn't bring naughty kids toys" and then get mad at him when your kid isn't honest about whether or not he wrote FUCK YOU on the bathroom stall door. Hmmm....

Does anyone else see a glaring inconsistency here? I know it's disjointed and digressions are legion, but what I'm trying to say is that Santa's a jerk. And Santa nicely encapsulates all that I believe to be wrong with the world. So to cut it short, because my one reader (hi mom!) is getting weary, I am better for not believing in Santa because Santa is retarded, dumb, made up by coca-cola, disseminated by Disney and hallmark, banal, insufferable and totally whack. So forget you. Dissention is my middle name, and clearly, got its start at a young age.

*And that Christmas Carol called Santa Baby really gets me. So what: the mom is a big slut and gets up to screw Santy every Christmas Eve? Infront of the cookies her kids made and the presents from their other three dads and respective live-ins? Panty Baby, maybe. Sick, sick stuff, that santa klause and his mysterious sleigh.